My Kid Hits...(but he is not "a hitter")

Right now, if you type the words “my kid hits” in the search tab on Pinterest, the very first pin that appears is titled “dear mom of the child who hits”. I can only think of one group of people who might type those three words into a search domain…parents working through this issue. Parents who have tried different things and now are reaching out to a new source for something else because none of their past attempts have yielded success. Parents who have read the books, talked to their pediatricians, asked their moms and their mom friends and are still struggling and wrestling with having a child who hits.

Struggling and wrestling.

I had high hopes based on the number of repins and likes that the post would be a helpful resource with strategies to try, conversations to have and that it would be an overall source of encouragement to the parents searching for answers, encouragement and clarity.  Instead this post tore me down in more ways than one. The author strongly encourages a parent with a child who hits to consider the feelings of the parents whose child is receiving the aggression, as if this is not something that constantly runs through our heads.  Her other tips are to be consistent all the time…and that’s it.

It had already been a rough day before I read this. At school pick-up, my son’s teacher told me she needed to call me later that afternoon and I still hadn’t received a call. My son confessed in the car on the way home that he had hit his school friends (plural) but gave me no more details. As soon as we got home, my son received consequences based on his honest report.  Later that afternoon I received another report of hitting from the childcare worker at the gym. My son showed little to no remorse although verbalized understanding that what he did was wrong.

Then I read this post.

It hurt.

I waited a few hours to allow my emotions to settle and still felt crushed so I attempted to reach out privately to the author, who self-admitted in her post that she had no experience with having a child who hits. She had disabled her comments and removed any email address or contact information…which seemed odd to me for a blogger to do. (don’t we love comments?)  I resorted to commenting on the pin, pleading with her to “please be so careful when addressing something that she has no experience with”. I also pleaded with her “as her sister in Christ, to find another mother who is actually walking through this lonely and isolating battle with her child”. She deleted my comment and the replies to my comment thanking me for my words. My point is not to put this writer on blast...so please don't go seek out her post. Just keep reading...

Let me stop right here, I’m fully aware of the problem our culture has right now of responding hyper-sensitively to basically everything with embarrassing displays of inappropriate levels of offendedness. These days everyone seems easily offended by something. In no way was I "offended" by any of the above scenario....I was sad. And I was worried for anyone who happened to read it who might not have a network of support or access to the Truth to fall back on. I had clicked on and read the post hoping for some encouragement. Some advice from a parent who had walked in my shoes and who had made it out on the other side. Instead I found condescension, shaming, and a heaping of guilt that directly resembled Satan’s whisper that I should isolate myself from any other parent or child because of this struggle.

I don’t really have anything to say to the moms who don’t have kids who hit, except that I think you have a lot to be thankful for. In fact, I’m one of you. I also have a child who doesn’t hit (yet).  I honestly don’t think that this will be her struggle based on her nature but I can’t be for sure.  I’m incredibly grateful for her content nature and I know that it has nothing to do with me. Her easy-going will and content spirit did not come from my genetic contribution to her DNA, so I know for a fact that it is how God made her to be. I also know that someday she’ll have a struggle too…but it probably won’t be the same as her big brother.

To the mom’s who have a child who hits…

I get you. I’m also one of you.

I know what it’s like to stay home from certain activities because certain friends will be there and don’t play well with your child. It feels like isolation.

I know what it’s like when babysitters decide after their first night with your kids that they don’t want to come back. It feels like loneliness.

I know what it’s like to hear other kids at preschool pick-up tell their moms that your child hit them. 

It feels like guilt.

I know that it hurts even though the words are coming out of the mouth of a 3 year old. It feels like embarrassment.

I know the temptation to not go places where you have to drop your kids into a childcare room – like church or the gym because the whole time you’re away, you’re worrying that you’ll get a call. It feels like helplessness.

I know how heartbreaking it is to get report after report from childcare workers that once again your child did not follow the rules, had to sit out of an activity, etc. It feels like heartache.

I know you don’t brush it off as if it doesn’t matter. I know that you know that it matters.

I know that when you say things that sound like you’re making excuses for the behavior, it’s not because you’re actually excusing it, it is because you don’t want your child to be defined by his behavior.

And what is so great is that he isn’t.

Your child is not defined by his ability to stay in line, follow the rules, or even be kind to his friends. Those things are NOT what give or take away his value. They are things that need to be worked out for sure. But they are things that will not always be this way. Don’t label your kid as a “hitter” (or a biter, or whatever) and don’t let anyone else do it. 

Teaching our children that they will receive our love when they "obey" or "behave" sets up a works-based mentality. "You perform in this way...I'll love you in return." Now obviously teaching submission to authority and kindness toward all people is important. But in the same breath, unconditional love and grace need to be modeled and understood from the beginning because that's how God deals with us. 

My son’s identity is not found in something that he does or doesn’t do. I don’t want him to believe that he is less valuable than the children who know how to follow the rules and I don't want a rule-follower to think he or she is more valuable than anyone else. I don’t want to believe this myself…because it’s not true. But it’s tempting…sometimes Satan will temporarily win over my thoughts by whispering into my ear that, “I am not enough”, or “my son is not enough”, or that “I should isolate myself”, or “I should worry and be anxious”. These are lies. Call them what they are.

For awhile now, I’ve been rolling all of this around in my head. Sometimes fueled with emotions of fear, anger, resentment, self-pity and even shame. And I held off posting until now because I don’t ever want to be a source of shame for my children. I don’t want them to read something I’ve written or hear something I’ve said and think that I believe public shame is my strategy.

But for one, that’s not what I’m doing at all. I know my motives, I’ve searched my heart, and I know that I fiercely love my child. I will continue to fight for him and with him. This means seeking and instructing truth, collaborating with teachers, disciplining, correcting, praying fiercely, teaching and modeling genuine apologies, and so many other things. This does not mean sitting back, ignoring and allowing destructive behavior to happen. 

(Another thing I've found to be crucially important is including other moms. Let them know that you are working to shut this down...Have your kid apologize to the child and then to the child's mother. Make a card with your child and bring it to the other child with a sincere apology. Write a story with stick figures together to discuss how hitting affects others.) 

And for two, I know there are others out there just like me. I know that there are parents walking this lonely, difficult and sometimes painful struggle with their children. My hope is that if that’s you, that you would be encouraged that you aren’t alone and that your efforts are not in vain. Your child’s worth is not determined by how well they are able to follow instructions or control their still-developing emotions. Their worth is found in the fact that they are image bearers of and were created by an all-knowing and all-powerful God who redeems all that He allows. He created each one of them and equips us as we walk through the hard things. He doesn’t leave us alone. He never, ever promised that life would be void of struggles. This whole thing is just a straight-up example of man’s sinful nature being present at birth…or at least, in toddler years. And we all need grace…lots of grace. So since we are all in such need of it, let’s give it as well.

**photography by Lynn Walker photography