Face Your Piles

One of my most stubborn tendencies is that I make piles.

I love a nice, clean, tidy space. But somewhere, if I'm the one responsible for the cleanliness of said space, there's a pile of junk somewhere close by. It's super convenient if people are coming over to just scoop it up in one fell swoop of my arms and relocate the pile of unwanted-ness out of plain sight, but when the party is over, that pile almost always comes back out to the exact same spot.

My husband has developed a pile-building tendency as well over the course of our 9 years of marriage. His pile sits messily next to mine and is often "hairier", so my pile is nicely stacked where his pile has papers jutting out in all directions, and uneven items, like a pair of pliers or broken headphones that render his pile unsteady and ready to topple at any given moment.

There's another difference in our pile building...how we get rid of, or overcome the pile. He can clean his up in one sitting, while I will go through mine and basically reorganize it, removing maybe 10% of the contents. I'll proudly set my pile back in its original spot with my onlooking husband rolling his eyes at my inability to conquer the pile, yet again.

I have a pile in the kitchen, a pile on the formal dining table, a pile in our master bedroom and a pile in the closet.

(This seriously makes me sound like I have issues, yes?)

What's the point?

I think the way I build piles to maintain a sense of calm in the rest of my house is a metaphor for how we sometimes cope with hard things in life. Hard things are hard, amen?

Instead of dealing with piles of junk (or hard, broken things about our lives), we stack them up, neatly, if possible, and try to go about life as if they don't exist. All the while, proudly displaying the "clean" part of our house (read: lives) for everyone else to see. This does favors for no one.

Have you been around people who are so perfect that their perfection only causes you to see your own inadequacies? I have. I bet I've even fronted myself so that others have had that same response to me. I hope not, but I am realistic to know that it's probable. I've come along way in the past 10 years in this area...I truly believe authenticity is one of the most important keys to living a life that is loving, hospitable, sensitive and obedient to the Lord.

So authenticity means you let your imperfections show.

It means you're vulnerable and real about the brokenness that sits in a pile in the corner of your heart.

Hard things are evidence of the broken state of our world. The fact that we see them as hard is proof to me that we were created for more than this broken world. We are broken in some big ways...marriages, kids, finances, politics, health, faith, work-life balance, submission, justice. Let's face it, we're all a mess. But a lot of times, it's a heck of a lot easier to stick our heads in the sand and avoid the conversation all together. Or at least, compartmentalize the hard so that we can go about the rest of our day. We can only tolerate so much, right?

This, I think, is how I've gone about a lot of my life. Seeking the joy, minimizing the hard and flat out ignoring the hard that doesn't apply to me.

Now joy seeking is important, we were created for it and we need to experience it.

But it's not true joy if we don't face the hard, the broken. If you don't face those things, you end up with a fake joy that knows there's a pile of brokenness waiting for you in the next room.  And if you compartmentalize that pile, you can rework it all day long, organize it, throw out the outlying pieces of it and then place it back neatly on the counter to continue to haunt you. The hard is still there and it still steals the joy.

We've got a hard thing going on right now, but this actually isn't a post about the details of our hard thing. It doesn't even necessarily matter, because the truth is, we're all walking through something hard. And it looks different for each person, and the capacity to handle the hard is different for every person. Details just cause us to compare our stories instead of dealing with the hard, broken thing head-on.

So in my metaphor of my numerous piles all over my house, the solution is simple.

THROW. OUT. THE. PILE.

Throw it out. Stop holding on to old thank you cards, continuing education flyers, confiscated toys and old crib sheets and notes from a conference 2 years ago. Throw them out. Be willing to sit down, roll up your sleeves and go through the pile to find the things worth keeping. Trash the rest.

The metapohor loses perfection here, because so much of our brokenness can't be walked out on, but it's close enough to continue. We have to get our hands dirty with our brokenness. We have to roll up our sleeves and engage it. To me, this looks like sharing it with the people who know you best and who can help you. It looks like helping the people who share their mess with you. It looks like seeking reconciliation and sometimes therapy. 

Therapy is required to fix something that has been broken or another definition that I like, treatment to heal. So admitting that the broken exists is actually a pretty big step for me and I know some others out there, who enjoy being viewed as a put-together, self-sufficient, admirable person. So yes, admitting to myself that a pile exists, which seems kinda obvious, is a big deal. You have a pile too.

We have all got to stop trying to personify ourselves as perfection.

Secondly, we have to be willing to call our brokenness what it is and work through it. We can't continue to deny it, wish it away or pretend it's not there. Anything worth doing is going to be work. Ok the actual quote by Theodore Roosevelt is "nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty..."

This is just not how we think anymore. We want things to be easy, enjoyable and instant! Here's what I've learned to be true in the small ways I've personally experienced suffering or walked alongside someone who is. It changes everything about everything. It changes how you see the world, your expectations, your motivations, your urgencies and dependencies. It challenges your true belief on the goodness of God. It changes you from a life of entitlement, where the ultimate motivation is seeking personal happiness and immediate satisfaction to a life stripped down and focused on the basics.

This brings me to the last thing I'm finding to be so helpful in this area. Slow down. Or stop, even. Stop with all the busy-ness and doing and commitments and just allow boring days to be a thing again. Rest, pare down, trim the excess. If I'm busy, it's much easier to ignore things that need to be dealt with. Truly. And I'm pretty sure "staying busy" is at the top of the list of UNhealthy coping mechanisms.

When we're bored over here, we have backyard picnics and water balloon fights. We go through closets to get rid of clothes that are too old/small and talk about how good it feels to purge. We do random crafts. We bake things and we go on adventures around the neighborhood. We build towers of blocks and play card games. It's heaven on earth.

So while we can't just throw out the pile of brokenness that exists in each of our lives and surrounds us in the lives of our friends and neighbors and co-workers. We can lean into it, engage it and strip the power it has over us...not allowing it to isolate us, strike fear into our hearts or steal our hope.  For there is always, always, hope.

There's NO Room in the Fridge

I want to talk just a little bit about excess.

Not in a Jen Hatmaker kind of way, where you test your personal materialism in an extreme way by removing things that you actually use and need. But in the more unsuspecting, almost innocent way that it sneaks into our lives and over time convinces us that we need a bigger house or gasp...a storage unit.

Let me be clear, when I breach a topic like "American materialism", I'm not coming from a place of condescension. The Spirit is the one that convicts you, not me. So if anything I say puts a little twinge of twisted discomfort in your stomach....I think you should listen to it and ask the Lord what it is HE is trying to say, and leave me the heck out of it, because I literally know nothing.

So let me be transparent about where I am on this topic...

• We currently have nine of those large plastic bins full of infant and toddler clothes in our house right now....NINE
• My closet is no better. I definitely wear 20% of my wardrobe 80% of the time...it could be 10/90
• On more than one occasion I have felt actual anxiety while putting groceries away that I just purchased at the store because there is no room for them in my refrigerator, freezer or pantry.
• We have a bin system for our toys... there are four bins with toys split equally among them. At any given time we only have one bin of toys available for current play + a handful of universal toys that always stay out (i.e. Play kitchen, wooden block set, foam ABC tiles). Our toy room is full and OVERFLOWING even while 3/4 of our toys are packed away.
• Don't get me started on make up, lotion and other beauty product samples that I've hoarded away. "Would you like some samples?" "Yes! I will never use them but let me have them ALL!!"

In fact, about two years ago, I decided to find all of my unopened mascara samples and use them up before I bought another tube of mascara. I'm still using samples today! I had TWO YEARS WORTH OF MASCARA JUST SITTING AROUND! Side note: One thing I've learned is they basically all look the exact same and none of them really do anything extra for your lashes. Second side note: now that I'm not buying beauty products from department stores anymore, this has gone waaaay down.

Relatable? Or just me?

Why are we doing this? 

How do we get to this point that we are falling for the lie that excess is better?

You know I recently heard of a study that showed kids engage in more productive and imaginative play when they have a less toys available. In fact, I heard this study referenced two times from two different sources in the past two weeks. 

I wonder how this applies to adults and our stuff? 

You know when you hear things more than once?

It grabs your attention, because you have to stop and remember where you just recently heard it? I don't ever think those are accidents. So I've been tossing this around in my head a lot over the past few days. Less stuff results in higher quality interaction. 

Another thing I've heard at least three times during this past month of January is the quote by Theodore Roosevelt, "Comparison is the thief of joy". Now you've heard it at least once. 

So if excess causes us to be less productive and imaginative, AND if comparing our excess with the excess of others steals our joy, really, what are we doing? Why can't we stop?

This is not one of those problems that is an overarching thing that has to be fixed from the top down. This is something we are each individually doing to our own selves. 

So how do we fix it? 

First I think we have to search our hearts to see if were even motivated to be different. Do we even care? 

I realize I care much more now that I'm throwing away and donating baby stuff when I remember how much money was spent on those things. But this realization has to carry over into future action.

Second we all need a dose of humility. There's humility in choosing to purchase resale versus new. I remember when preparing for my first baby, I had the actual thought that I would never (or rarely) put him in used or old clothes...he deserved better. This was MY CHILD! Who knows how someone else treated these items! Everything needed to be new, from the clothes, to the baby gear to the nursery decor. Hindsight is so clear on how misled I was.

Third, Live Open-Handedly. When you see a need from someone around you and you can meet it...then do it! Chances are if you're going to need it again you can probably get it back or find another one. There are very few items in the world that are worth holding onto more than a generous heart.

So here is my plan of action for the issues I confessed earlier in this post.

Clothes:
The nine bins are just ridiculous. Now I can sit here and try to rationalize it. We weren't sure if we were having a boy or a girl so we kept everything. We have both genders, so naturally we have more things. I plan to sell some of it, so I don't want to give it away yet. Oh my word. It's just out of control.

Buy used when you can. It helps more than I ever realized. I wish I had done it and I'm doing it now when I can.

Have you heard of capsule wardrobes? Surely yes. They've been all the rage for a few years now.

I basically (not officially) operate with a capsule wardrobe myself, but just a little confession here, I still have all the clothes hanging in my closet that are not included in my "Capsule". I literally could sweep my arm across about 3 feet of clothes hangers and just take them out. I wouldn't even have to check them.

Children should have capsule wardrobes!! Seriously, why haven't I been doing this!

Get rid of the things you don't use. (speaking to myself) The tip I've heard is to take everything out and then only put back in the things that you use/need. You will feel FREEDOM (supposedly)

If you're going to sell it. ACTUALLY SELL IT. Put a low price tag on it and consider yourself honored that you could bless someone with a great deal. 

Food:

I know why I have a mini panic attack when there's no room in my fridge for my new groceries.

Because it's excessive, gluttonous and yes, selfish to buy things we don't need before using up what we have.

Oh I do not want to be called any of those words.

I tell my kids they can't eat something new until they eat what they already have, yet I walk in a different way. Even subconsciously this reality must weigh on my heart.

Sometimes when I get good and feisty, I'll tell myself it's because I have the wrong kind of fridge to store my food. Side-by-sides are not as effective as the French Doors. That's what I NEED.

Throwing away food sheds light on a gross misuse of our planet's resources. This past summer, we grew some food in a miniature garden in our yard. At the end of the season, I was looking for ways to cook and use tomatoes. Even the green, non-ripe ones. Unless it was rotted, we were eating it. It was such an enlightening way to look at food, instead of just, "oh, it went bad, I'll just buy another one next time I'm at the store".

Jk...I only do curbside.

Toys:
I need to take a hard look at what the excess in this area of our home is doing to my children's worldview's. Are they adopting an idea that excess is better? Are they becoming little mini-hoarders? A quick introspection does not reveal good results. Teaching generosity now is going to build a foundation for them. It may not be how they choose to live their own lives, but as I've gotten older, I realize that things from my childhood are deeply embedded inside of me and my thought process. We owe it to our kids not to set them up for failure in this area despite the fact that they are responsible for their own choices.

I promise. I'm not trying to be harsh or judgmental. I truly have just felt conviction around this topic of excess and how it is stealing freedom and joy when I enslave myself to the trap of excess. Where is the excess in your life stealing joy? Where is simplicity bringing freedom? Lean into those things because our stuff should be serving us, not causing us to serve it.

Good luck and send me your tips!! 

Welcome Home

Alright...nothing says mid-30s more than what I'm about to write in this blog.

Are you ready, 20 year olds?

This year I asked for a mop and some dishtowels for Christmas.

I know.

Now to be fair the dish towels are those beautiful Liberty Fabric ones from Anthropologie. And I'm sorry, but I'm not sure I understand why my family thinks these towels are to be used on dishes and countertops. These are for aesthetic beauty in the kitchen and an occasional hand wipe! 

Moving on...

So this post is going to be a little bit light-hearted...but one of my favorite things about the Internet is crowdsourcing before I make my own decision. I have a bit of a problem with decisiveness, so yeah, I'm a fan of crowd sourcing. I love reading reviews- despite some of the grumpy reviewer's out there who feel it's their duty in life to complain about everything and are basically impossible to please. Weed 'em out...You have been warned.

I love getting input and hearing the experience others have had. There are so many choices for basically every decision and sometimes I just want to know "who's already tried it?" and "which one is the best?" I also think for the most part that most people really like to help. Or at least most people like to give their opinions about things.

So I thought I would write a blog post about the newest love of my life, which my 20 year old self, I'm sure, would totally make fun of.

Those of us who are mothers or fathers have actually lived to experience the capacity of your own heart expanding when a new child enters your family. One day your heart was completely full and then the next, you met this new child who would be called your own, and the capacity to love within your heart expanded right before your eyes! You loved your spouse and older children with your entire full heart, but now...now there was more room and you loved another person fully too.

This isn't exactly the same thing...

But it's pretty close.

We recently added to our family the Oreck Steam-It Multipurpose steam wand. Now rather than claiming that I was completely full and content in this area of life, I'll be honest and say that cleaning my floors was one of the tasks I dreaded most within the four walls of my home. There was a void. 

I even conducted some unofficial market research with my girlfriends and they all agreed. Floors stink.

I tried one product recently that I was super excited about- the Hoover Floormate Deluxe...my actual Christmas gift. It sounded pretty cool in theory and I had TWO friends with personal raving reviews...an obvious indicator of success! It's just like a vacuum with two water tanks- one for clean water and one for used/dirty water. As you vacuumed, you could dispense the clean water for the spinning brushes underneath to scrub your floors. The great thing about it was the Hoover sucked up that dirty water and you could see dirty water in a separate tank. Very satisfying,

However when I looked at my floors they weren't really that clean. And one of the tanks was dripping water everywhere making me think an electrical shortage was imminent. I boxed it up and send it back to Amazon, despite the fact that I really wanted to love it. 

However I didn't mourn long. 

The steam mop is incredible. Just look at all the things you can clean with it! 

Y'all just being real...its way awkward to take a photo of your mop WHILE you are using it!

But apparently in can steam your curtains and clothes. It can steam your shower (is this a thing?) It can steam your grout, your cabinets, the space on the floor where the toilet meets the tile. The Oreck lady told me it was really "up to the limit of my imagination" on what I could clean with it. I immediately felt a strong connection to her as a new friend. #sue

So there's my helpful tip for the week- get yourself an Oreck steam mop! And tell them I sent you so that they might decide to give me an endorsement deal. Anthropologie too. 

And it's quiet, except for that gentle steam sound (like an iron x 1000), so you can use it while your baby naps. Because if you use it when he's awake, you should fully expect for said child to only want to walk/crawl on the area that you just completed and is still wet. You have been warned.

This Year in a Word

It seems like the "Choose a Word for the Year" has become a bit commonplace and I'm even seeing some people knocking it with a number of "better ideas". I say...whatever, Batman Forever. I love this discipline and have found it to bring about an increase in joy and focus, while also providing a suitable alternative to NY resolutions which highlight our failures, seem to keep us focused on the temporary and remind us of our personal brokenness. 

To Invite: to request the presence or participation of in a kindly, courteous, or complimentary way, especially to request to come or go to some place or gathering

When thinking over what I'd like to choose as my word for 2018, I kept coming back to one particular word, invite.

I love picking a word for the year. It helps me to reset, refocus, remember and re-prioritize. And as I've said before, I don't marry this word. I've never once chosen a word in January and ended the year with the same word. I love watching how God takes something I offer or choose and makes it better...even if it's harder, less romantic and less enticing by the standards of human eyes.

I don't even particularly love the above definition of this word, it doesn't feel complete to me. I'd rewrite it something like this:

To be brought in, physically and emotionally; to be welcomed, to gather together, to include and offer safety, to walk through life together deeply and to never feel alone, to pour oneself out by facing outward, to be available, to engage one another in a new way, to support and believe in one another, to show hospitality to the Spirit of another

I am a relational person to a fault. There's truly never been a time in my life when I could identify ONE best "girl" friend. I am energized and encouraged by time hearing stories, sharing experiences and learning in community. So the word "invite" excites me to my inner core. What could this actually look like? How many tangible ways can I make this happen in everyday life? Let's get started RIGHT AWAY!!!

But thinking practically...what will it really take? Remember...there are three tiny humans who depend on me 24 hours a day? And a husband who I promised my life to. How can I live a life of invitation to those outside the four walls of my home while remembering to invite WELL those inside those walls too?

The way I see it, invitation comes in layers. The goal isn't to spread myself too thin.

I think ONE, I can intentionally engage others who cross my path daily or weekly. Strangers, acquaintances and new friends who have no history. This looks like PUTTING DOWN MY PHONE at in the waiting room, following up the polite "how are you?" question with a more engaging question, remembering the names of people I meet. These are things I used to do much more naturally before I had 3 children to keep up with.

TWO, I can love "my people" better. These are family and friends who we are doing life with. Truly, this takes humility, accountability, vulnerability and forgiveness. This means walking through the valley. This means bearing one another's burden while still carrying your own cross. To be inviting means that you're safe and welcoming. I don't know if I've ever been very good at this in my life. But I know this is what Jesus was all about during his years on earth. Loving his people well.

THREE, I can invite myself into the lives of others. Not in a weird way, but in a way that shows I am available. Aren't we all so incredibly busy these days? Don't we all stay to ourselves, refrain from asking for help, go about life on our own because we don't want to bother anyone? We NEVER ask for help. We don't want to burden one another. This includes my kids. I wonder how they see me through their eyes sometimes...sitting at my computer, checking my phone, doing chores, cooking, cleaning, shouting orders. Multi-tasking is king. "Oh you want me to read to you? How about I check my email while we do that?" I don't think this would have been very difficult to do 10 years ago, but with my phone basically glued into my hand or pocket, this will take discipline on the daily.

So truly, I know this one may sound good in words, but actions are always louder. And behaviors don't change overnight. But I love the direction this word is taking my thoughts and my perspective. And I love that we have a Savior who modeled this perfectly. I plan to write some posts about some of the times when He did this well and how it makes me love Him so very very deeply.

Peace out 2017

I've been spending today reflecting on my word of the year. It's an exercise I've been doing for at least for five years now...not counting last year. 

Last year I did not come up with a word of the year. Last year on January 1, I was barely surviving life with a newborn. 

A newborn with silent reflux...which I didn't even know was a thing. 

One thing I did know, I knew I didn't have the capacity, strength, patience and some days, even the motivation to care for that sweet baby. And I was completely blindsided by my unraveling because I had raised two happy and healthy newborn's within the past four years, so I should know what to do right?

Oh the pride that comes before a fall. 

But all that to say, I never sat down and came up with a word for 2017. I'm honestly still processing a lot about this past year. General themes were uncertainty, food intolerances, cancer, control, and also, amidst those hard things, some really deep joy and deepening friendships

I always like to think back on a year and ask God what my actual word should have been, what He had in store for us. And I've already got that word. And really, no matter what word I would have picked 12 months ago, it wouldn't have changed that 2016 was the year of unveiling.  

Unveiling of truth. 

Unveiling of evil.

Unveiling of false contentment and misused favor. 

My friends, we are living in a world that's trying to deceive us. We are tricked into seeing certain things as good that are truly evil. We hold fast to things that distract us and steal meaning and joy and fullness of this life. We find security and safety in things that are fickle and won't last. 

We turn away from things that are too hard or too uncomfortable to maintain our own sanity and personal comfort. 

As CS Lewis wrote "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

But Jesus didn't turn away from the uncomfortable or the undesirable. He didn't leave us in our sorrow so that he could secure his own comfort and safety. In fact, he did the exact opposite.

Unveiling in 2017 has shown me all the ways I'm not like Jesus. His Spirit dwells in me but I walk along on my own terms. 

Unveiling is good. A friend of mine always says "ignorance is NOT bliss". But unveiling isn't necessarily comfortable, because you see things in a new way that reveal previous deception. You see you've spent your life making mud pies. You find that you've been walking along a path and suddenly you're required to stop and turn around. 

Stop and turn around.

That takes contentment with looking different. That takes humility to accept that you were wrong. That takes confidence in the source of the unveiling. 

More to come. 

Including how my word for 2018 is a continuation of "unveiling".

"Hello, It's Me" -Adele

So... Hello.

Can I explain myself a bit? 

It's been a YEAR AND A HALF since I wrote a blog. My last time here was a post on New Years. Last year. Oh the irony.

But can we talk about how life happens? Adding a third child to your family is work, y'all. Especially when said child has reflux and dietary restrictions and co-dependent sleep patterns, possibly enhanced by mama's love for baby snuggles. Not to mention when other children are experiencing life in their own way, requiring doctors visits, teachers conferences and all kinds of brainstorming on the best way to parent/discipline/teach/exhort them. And especially when anxiety rears it's head up and tries to straight destroy any feelings of normalcy. (another post, y'all) This is the NORMAL stuff. Not anything special or out of the ordinary. Parenting is work and my parents made it look like a piece of cake that was easy as pie. 

Thanks for the heads up, guys.

So our family of five is settling in and the dialogue that is usually flowing through my head has slowly returned over the past 8 weeks, making me feel much more like myself again. Dialogue playing in my head is my norm, but when a newborn comes and sleep is scarce, that little voice goes away, along with it's comedic relief, introspective reflection and...

I just had to stop because my 5 year old came and told me that "this storm is kinda scary". 

It's true...it's been thundering loudly for over an hour. My two-year old will be talking about it for days when she wakes up from her nap.

So distractions...

I've been toying with the idea of writing again. But I know that my writing will be different now then it's ever been before. I'm okay with it but feeling slightly insecure. I'm much more aware now of the lasting effects of the written word...or spoken for that matter. I feel a weight. A caution. Almost a hesitation of fear. 

When you write something and people read it, no matter how eloquent, there is no promise on how it will affect them. There's no guarantee that your words won't be read with a certain bias or life experience by the reader that causes them to see you in a different way, good or bad. I've always said that if I am to be known for anything, or if I'm faulted for something, I want it to be because of my love for Jesus. Nothing else is worth speaking on if it hinders the power and work of Jesus Christ in and through my life. So I've hesitated writing publicly, and my journal is all filled up and I have somewhere around 45 notes on my iPhone of dialogue that I've dictated while thinking to myself, "Oh I don't want to forget that", "I better write this down", or even embarrassingly, "That could be a good blog". (so embarrassing).

A few weeks ago, I thought to myself, I'll give this a go.

Then, within 24 hours, I came across a scripture that presented itself to me in two different places by two different sources.

"Fools find no pleasure in understanding, but delight in airing their own opinions." Prov 18:2


Sooooo....that's a no, right Lord?

I waited. And I prayed. And honestly, was kinda dissapointed. I love writing. I love that it focuses my thoughts, helps me to process things, and most of all, helps me to remember. Can I get an amen from all the mama's out there!?

But if the Lord says no, and you just go on with your own plan, it's not pretty. Let's just have another amen for that too.

I got another word. Proverbs 3:3
"Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
   bind them around your neck,
    write them on the tablet of your heart."

And another...Proverbs 27:6

"Wounds from a friend can be trusted,

    but an enemy multiplies kisses."
I wasn't necessarily prepared for this answer, but I can see God telling me, alright, if you're doing this, you're doing it My way.

That looks like me NOT airing my opinions, but speaking love and modeling faithfulness. Faithfulness to what? Him. Scripture. Truth. God-breathed truth that, can you believe it, we can read anytime we want.e you;

But wounds from a friend that can be trusted. 

Do you know me? I'd love to be your friend. My husband has like 4 great friends...AND THAT'S IT. I, on the other hand, assume that once you're my friend, I can hold onto you for life. Prepare yourself. I was created to be a friend. Community is just something I love about life. (I'll talk about this in another post too per some of my dictated notes)

So if my desire is truly to be a friend that can be trusted, while also speaking truthfully, well in today's culture, that might sound like a wound. Our culture is messed up, y'all. It's confused and distracted and entitled and DECEIVED. 

But you can take heart, because there is ONE who has overcome the world. 

My nature though, is not necessarily to write this way. I'm kinda brash and don't think as much as I should before I say things. That can be offensive to some and that's where I feel insecure about writing about real things. May the Lord go before me. May my words be His. 

May I be a friend who speaks truth and binds love to your heart? 

Tall order, God. 

My word for 2016

This may be confusing...I love a new year, but I really don't care all that much about New Years. New Years Eve is not so much my jam.  It's always cold outside (ugh)...celebrities are on television encouraging you to drink a lot of alcohol because "you deserve it". (a real quote I heard last night) Traffic is bad. Things cost more. Kids want to stay up late just to get up even earlier the next morning. 

But a new year.  A fresh start. Another chance. 

Wow. That's a beautiful thing. It's an embodiment of the gospel. Jesus came to give us a fresh start. He wiped our slate clean and said, let's start anew. I'll give you my righteousness to cover you. 

I don't participate in New Years Resolutions because I'm not a very reliable person when it comes to changing a lot of stuff. History and research would show that a very small percentage of people can actually keep resolutions. 

But what I have done each year, starting in 2012, is come up with a word that I want to aim towards during the year. Then at the end of the year, I reflect on that word and each time, ask God to show me what His word for me has actually been in the past year. Guess what? They are NEVER the same words. 

I'll come up with a beautiful sounding word at the beginning of each  year like "breathe"or "rest", and he'll come back at the end of the year and show me that his word for me was "identity" or "wait". My words have all been ideal things that I would like to see in myself and my life...and His words have mostly been things He wants to show me while I do nothing. Or something that is hard and goes against my flesh. Isn't that just like us? And Him? We want to do...and He's like, nope. I got this. You just let me.

This past week between Christmas and New Years, I've had a very strong conviction of my word for 2016...and it's not a pretty word. I've actually never felt so strongly about any of my beginning words as I do this one. 

My word for 2016 is "steward".

I can certainly spin this to sound ideal, and I'm going to try. But I think this one is going to hurt. I also look back on 2015 and feel like God has really cherished and protected me in the past year. I've been in a season of learning, resting, waiting, and absorbing Him. It's a good place to be...but at the dawn of a new year, I wonder if it was Him preparing me for something ahead. 

Stewardship is a responsibility that we all have. It takes work and discipline and forethought. It can mean sacrifice, it can mean gratitude, it can mean humility. 

I found some deeper meaning to the word through some of the definitions I found. 
Steward...
(1) to manage or look after another's property (verb)
(2) a person whose responsibility it is to take care of something (noun)
(3) a person who manages another's property or financial affairs; a person who has charge of the household of another, buying or obtaining food, directing the servants, etc.

In 2016, I will steward (verb) everything that I can. It applies to everything from the clothes that I wear to the food I buy at the store to the eternal souls inside the little bodies of my children. It's being grateful for the air in my lungs, for the roof over my head, for the strength in my fingers to type. It's knowing that I cannot claim control over ANYTHING. 

Practically, I see this initially as making choices as wisely as possible while at the same time trusting and asking that God will give me a perspective shift. Some examples of choices that I make every day/week/month: How often do I really need to update items in my wardrobe? How many items am I buying at the grocery store that are sitting unused in the pantry or being thrown out of the fridge with mold on them? How am I taking care of my physical body? Am I working to nourish and strengthen it or am I engaging in a gluttonous behavior because I enjoy splurging at the end of a long day? Am I seeking needed rest or indulging in lazy behavior, because there is a line between the two. Am I engaging my children emotionally, physically and spiritually or missing opportunities because I'm distracted? This practical list should not be seen as a list of things to fix or change. But if you change your perspective, you have to be all-encompassing. You have to reach into your actual life and clean out the dusty corners. You have to be willing to be changed.

In 2016, I will be a steward (noun) in my thoughts and my actions, changing my perspective that everything I have is not really mine. I will ask God to show me my right place. It's not about the steward. In that third definition above, I'm picturing a homeowner preparing his home for a large party.  The steward just buys the food and tells the servants how to prepare the home. The steward is not the host. It's not about the steward. The steward is pointing to something greater in every task that he performs and every responsibility that he takes on.

Steward.

Steward what you have well.

Be a steward in your actions and thoughts.

Let's go 2016.