Comments by Anonymous

If you've known me long enough, you know that I used to have a blog under this exact same name domain. It was right after college and I was living in a 700 square foot apartment in downtown Dallas by myself. 

Living alone was not my jam. I hadn't spent more than maybe 30 minutes by myself in the past four years...living in a dorm, having roommates, working at summer camps, studying abroad. Everything I had done, I had done with other people. People I loved, and still love, very much. 

Suddenly, college ended and like many, I was kind of seriously unprepared for reality. I landed a great job with a great boss and a great team of coworkers, but I was still a kid. I was completely immature and I knew absolutely nothing. That's the thing about college grads...they have a certificate of paper telling them they know everything they need to know, when actually, most of them know nothing about anything.

Blogging was a new thing, so I figured I'd jump on it and share my complete lack of knowledge with the world. 

I shake my head at some of the things I wrote down.

I wonder at my lack of restraint. 

So what happened? Why is this a brand new blog that doesn't date back to 2005?

Because I deleted it.

Sometime in 2012, I wandered back onto that blog after it had sat dormant for about 3 years. As I re-read old posts and clicked through the settings of my forgotten blog, I realized that I had unknowingly set the "comments" section to require approval before a comment could publicly post. To my surprise, I had a handful of comments that I had never seen. A few of them were light-hearted nods of approval posted by friends but most of them were posted by "anonymous".

The comments were heart-wrenching. 

This anonymous person clearly knew me and was clearly not fond of me. I read the blatant and frank honesty with shock and resentment. Who did I know in my life who would say such things? It was futile to try to guess who had written these words over 5 years ago, but they pierced me deeply. 

So deeply, that I deleted the whole blog that very day.

You see, the comments weren't hateful or threatening. They weren't name-calling from some random person on the internet. The comments were true.

They were true things about my 20 year old self that I had since grown out of. Things that were a part of my old self that I had taken off and put away since receiving a new understanding of the grace of Jesus. These things were descriptions of what I used to be. 

Upon reading them years later, it brought back feelings of insecurity and dissatisfaction with myself. It was painful, and I devoted more thoughts to them than I probably should have.

Looking back, I am glad that the comments came from "anonymous". We all have a protective instinct that when we hear something we don't like, we don't accept it. We may ask for the truth from someone, but if they tell us a truth we don't want to hear, we think something is wrong with them. 

"Does this outfit look good?"
"No"
(thinking) "yes it does, who asked you anyways"

If I had known who wrote it, I would have blamed that person, possibly blaming my hurt feelings on their lack of sensitivity. I don't know...maybe that person is still in my life. But it doesn't matter. 

I admit that reading the words stung me. But it didn't take long for me to remember that I am a new creation. I am a daughter of the Living God and he determines my value...things from my past, things I've done or failed to do....they have no bearing.

Also because I am on a journey of sanctification, I should be seeing growth in myself.  I should be able to look back and realize that I am becoming MORE like Christ...which means that I was previously LESS like him. When you have moved towards the light, the darkness should look darker. I should be THANKFUL that he has brought me out of my previous place and for the place that he is taking me in the future. 

This means that those little reminders of who we used to be, they should actually be opportunities to praise God for what he has done for us individually. Do you know the story of the woman in Luke 7 who washes Jesus's feet with her tears and her hair?! 

First of all, how awkward must that scene have been?

From the time Jesus entered the house, she had not stopped KISSING his feet. She washed his feet with her tears, y'all! I mean, think about how much ugly crying must have had to take place for her to create enough tears to WASH his feet. This "sinful woman", who was definitely NOT on the Evite for dinner at the Pharisee's house, heard through the grapevine that she could see Jesus if she just had the guts to crash the party. And she did...she who was forgiven much, loved Jesus much.

What does this have to do with my old blog and the nasty anonymous comments?

Because we've all been forgiven of so much. We've all been completely without hope. Then...we are saved. We become a new creation and we begin a new journey that is filled with a new joy and a new hope. Our lives begin to look different and we begin to forget about that person that we used to be. What's wonderful is that Jesus does too.

But we need to seriously remember that we have all been forgiven of so much. Those comments may have been true about who I was then, but they are NOT who I am in Christ. I cringe when I hear people say that Christians think they are "better than others". This is so NOT Christianity. Good behavior is NOT Christianity. Being successful or being happy...also NOT. 

Forgiveness...Humility....Grace....

That's what it's about.

Also...my auto-correct had to fix my spelling of 'anonymous' every. single. time.

Reality Food

Real food.

Ah...what a wonderful thing.

I mean, how could a person live in Austin and not love real food?

The concept of eating real food is something that my generation in general did not grow up with. If it seemed semi-healthy and was easy to prepare, our parents fixed it. If it fixed itself in a microwave and flavored itself with a plastic pouch of unknown powders and flakes (or a can of cream of chicken), it was a winner. 

Why not?

Nobody lived on farms anymore. Nobody had time to grow a garden. Can you imagine the isolation someone would have endured in the early 90's for owning chickens that laid eggs!

Now it's all the rage, and I think it's really great. I'm the first one to say that I'd like for our family to eat healthy, all-natural foods. I love the concept of "real" food and eliminating unnecessary chemicals, flavors and "artificial anything" from my home.

But let's just be real for a minute...I just can't do it right now! 

So I've made up the term "reality food".

Reality food is food that I can actually manage to prepare and feed my family without having a nervous breakdown. It's food that is responsible and healthy, but not obsessive and all-consuming. It's real food with some shortcuts. And frankly, I'd rather snuggle up with my kids on the couch reading a book or (gasp) watching tv, then spend every evening chopping fresh vegetables in the kitchen alone. 

I'm giving myself that freedom. I'm praying that it doesn't mess them up in the end, but really, I don't think it will. 

I was much better at preparing and serving my family real food before there were TWO tiny humans in this house to keep alive. I pinned all kinds of recipes on Pinterest...and I even cooked a lot of them! I developed some good habits and purged some bad ones. I stopped buying all of the things that are on those lists and replaced them with healthier options and that became part of our current lifestyle. I even made my first attempt at an edible garden. I recognized how my body stopped craving things that had the dreaded high fructose corn syrup and I felt incredibly satisfied by the lifestyle changes reflected in my grocery cart and kitchen. I think I'll probably include a lot of those changes in future blogs. 

But then I had a baby and when my meal calendar ran out, I was hungry. :)
And I didn't have the brain cells or the stocked groceries for my previous cooking habits. I knew I needed to modify. 

Enter "reality food"

Reality food is quick to prepare...and it's good. It's NOT a step backwards. It's not a lazy approach, in my opinion, it's a smart approach. I know everyone won't agree. 

Someday, I'll get back to my quest for real food. But for now, when I write food posts, they will be recipes for reality food. So they won't be cutting-edge or trendy. They will be recipes that require less ingredients, less time and less stress. I have found a real lack of these types of recipes or food suggestions in my cookbooks or on Pinterest...maybe I'm just not looking in the right place.

Hopefully you will thank me and not feel sorry for my children, who do occasionally end up with some high fructose corn syrup on their plates.

*Photos are Trader Joes Pumpkin Bread and Muffin mix...in a box. And they are divine. Plus I added chocolate chips, which makes them totally unique and inventive...

So what is this place?

I've mentioned a few times that this will be a space for things that I love.

What exactly does that mean? 

To simply start, I love writing. I love the art of putting down your thoughts into words. We all have things to say...things that can influence ourselves or our community around us. We all have thoughts that need to be put into words...thoughts that come from a place of vulnerability and realness. Sometimes these thoughts are verbalized offensively, or they can be encouraging and uplifting. They can be foolish or wise. 

I love writing and I love words. I love hearing your words and sharing mine. 

Secondly, I love community. We drift in and out of different communities throughout our lives. Some communities are shallow- my high school cheerleading squad, for example. Some are deeper...an accountability group of women or a new moms group. Some are, by nature, temporary (see cheerleading squad) and others are permanent until the end of time (I'll never remove the titles of daughter, wife, mother, sister). 

Community holds us together, and it's actually how God designed us to live. I think about stay-at-home moms 30 years ago and how lonely they must have been as they raised babies alone and wished for community. I think about my own loneliness sometimes. And let me be clear, we are a busy family. We have something to do every. single. day. 

And still, loneliness can creep in. It can grab hold of our thought lives and convince us that we are the only ones on the whole planet who are doing the thing that we are doing. We are the only ones at home scrubbing toilets. We are the only ones eating dinner alone with kids while dad works late. Everyone else in the whole world sets alarm clocks, takes showers before 10am and wears real clothes outside. 

Let me tell you...

That is a lie. 

A big, fat lie that you should never believe. When you live outside of community...those lies sound real convincing. 

I love community.

(And I don't care if it's face to face, blog to reader, or group texts.)

Third (and most importantly), I love Jesus. 

If there is anything that I'd like to be known as an advocate for...it's Jesus. He is the only reason that anything makes sense in this world. What hope do we have that the circumstances around us are going to get collectively better? How can we explain why bad things happen when they shouldn't? 

We are all so completely messed up and broken. But we don't have to fix ourselves. We don't have to make up the debt that we owe. Can you imagine if we did? God made a way for us to be reconciled to Him and we don't have to do anything but believe. He did it all. And it was always his plan from the very beginning to save us. 

Incredible. 

Oh there are simple things that I love too. Things like coffee and Spotify and seeing the world through my children's eyes. Sunday afternoon family

walks, road trips, good food, yoga, and figuring out if I believe in essential oils. And I want to talk about all of those things too. All of them. 

Right here.

Stay tuned.

Welcome Home

“What am I doing here?”

I’m halfway thinking this to myself, as I type these words and toggle to my email account to verify this blog site to exist. My son is standing in front of the tv in nothing but a pull-up turning the television on and off, on and off. And my daughter is in and out of her nap in the next room.

“I don’t have time to start a blog.” That’s the logical me. The one that knows I should spend any and every free moment doing something productive, like wiping the jelly off of the breakfast table or scrubbing the toilet (again) because my son would really love to potty train standing up.

But there’s another side of me. The side that was all there was before I became a wife and a mom. See, I love writing. It’s something that I did a lot of before I got married, became a mom, and life became a LOT less about ME. It helps me to process things. It helps me to remember. It helps me to take a stand and form my own thoughts. Lately, I’ve noticed some of these things not happening in my brain. I’m forgetful, I’m easily influenced and I’m foggy. It’s disconcerting at best, anxiety-inducing at worst.

Memories are precious…I don’t want to forget them. What goes into forming them? How can I remember more?

Forming my own thoughts is necessary in this broken and confused world. We are all daily infused with information that screams at us to allow it to influence us. It is sometimes quite difficult to determine what is truth.

While I think it’s a good thing that in the past 5 or 6 years, my life has become a lot less about me, I am clear that I don’t want to lose myself. I don’t want to read other blogs and allow them to dictate my thoughts about something. I don’t want to see the news and allow it to jade my opinion on life.

So here I am.

I have all kinds of outlets to display all kinds of parts of myself to the world…a family blog, an etsy store, two instagram accounts, facebook. Yet I’m not using any of those outlets to be myself in a raw and captivating way. So I’m starting fresh here. I’m putting what I think is absolutely necessary time and energy into remembering. I want to form and share my thoughts based on the only reliable source of truth on this earth…the gospel of Jesus.

I hope you’ll join me.