Comments by Anonymous

If you've known me long enough, you know that I used to have a blog under this exact same name domain. It was right after college and I was living in a 700 square foot apartment in downtown Dallas by myself. 

Living alone was not my jam. I hadn't spent more than maybe 30 minutes by myself in the past four years...living in a dorm, having roommates, working at summer camps, studying abroad. Everything I had done, I had done with other people. People I loved, and still love, very much. 

Suddenly, college ended and like many, I was kind of seriously unprepared for reality. I landed a great job with a great boss and a great team of coworkers, but I was still a kid. I was completely immature and I knew absolutely nothing. That's the thing about college grads...they have a certificate of paper telling them they know everything they need to know, when actually, most of them know nothing about anything.

Blogging was a new thing, so I figured I'd jump on it and share my complete lack of knowledge with the world. 

I shake my head at some of the things I wrote down.

I wonder at my lack of restraint. 

So what happened? Why is this a brand new blog that doesn't date back to 2005?

Because I deleted it.

Sometime in 2012, I wandered back onto that blog after it had sat dormant for about 3 years. As I re-read old posts and clicked through the settings of my forgotten blog, I realized that I had unknowingly set the "comments" section to require approval before a comment could publicly post. To my surprise, I had a handful of comments that I had never seen. A few of them were light-hearted nods of approval posted by friends but most of them were posted by "anonymous".

The comments were heart-wrenching. 

This anonymous person clearly knew me and was clearly not fond of me. I read the blatant and frank honesty with shock and resentment. Who did I know in my life who would say such things? It was futile to try to guess who had written these words over 5 years ago, but they pierced me deeply. 

So deeply, that I deleted the whole blog that very day.

You see, the comments weren't hateful or threatening. They weren't name-calling from some random person on the internet. The comments were true.

They were true things about my 20 year old self that I had since grown out of. Things that were a part of my old self that I had taken off and put away since receiving a new understanding of the grace of Jesus. These things were descriptions of what I used to be. 

Upon reading them years later, it brought back feelings of insecurity and dissatisfaction with myself. It was painful, and I devoted more thoughts to them than I probably should have.

Looking back, I am glad that the comments came from "anonymous". We all have a protective instinct that when we hear something we don't like, we don't accept it. We may ask for the truth from someone, but if they tell us a truth we don't want to hear, we think something is wrong with them. 

"Does this outfit look good?"
"No"
(thinking) "yes it does, who asked you anyways"

If I had known who wrote it, I would have blamed that person, possibly blaming my hurt feelings on their lack of sensitivity. I don't know...maybe that person is still in my life. But it doesn't matter. 

I admit that reading the words stung me. But it didn't take long for me to remember that I am a new creation. I am a daughter of the Living God and he determines my value...things from my past, things I've done or failed to do....they have no bearing.

Also because I am on a journey of sanctification, I should be seeing growth in myself.  I should be able to look back and realize that I am becoming MORE like Christ...which means that I was previously LESS like him. When you have moved towards the light, the darkness should look darker. I should be THANKFUL that he has brought me out of my previous place and for the place that he is taking me in the future. 

This means that those little reminders of who we used to be, they should actually be opportunities to praise God for what he has done for us individually. Do you know the story of the woman in Luke 7 who washes Jesus's feet with her tears and her hair?! 

First of all, how awkward must that scene have been?

From the time Jesus entered the house, she had not stopped KISSING his feet. She washed his feet with her tears, y'all! I mean, think about how much ugly crying must have had to take place for her to create enough tears to WASH his feet. This "sinful woman", who was definitely NOT on the Evite for dinner at the Pharisee's house, heard through the grapevine that she could see Jesus if she just had the guts to crash the party. And she did...she who was forgiven much, loved Jesus much.

What does this have to do with my old blog and the nasty anonymous comments?

Because we've all been forgiven of so much. We've all been completely without hope. Then...we are saved. We become a new creation and we begin a new journey that is filled with a new joy and a new hope. Our lives begin to look different and we begin to forget about that person that we used to be. What's wonderful is that Jesus does too.

But we need to seriously remember that we have all been forgiven of so much. Those comments may have been true about who I was then, but they are NOT who I am in Christ. I cringe when I hear people say that Christians think they are "better than others". This is so NOT Christianity. Good behavior is NOT Christianity. Being successful or being happy...also NOT. 

Forgiveness...Humility....Grace....

That's what it's about.

Also...my auto-correct had to fix my spelling of 'anonymous' every. single. time.